Sarah Knows Nothing About Movies- Titanic Commentary

Long time no see! The last week has been an absolute barrel of laughs here in Seoul, with Covid-19 coming back for round 3 and most (now all) of my classes moving online. I’ve done a LOT of asking kids to check their mikes this week. Such fun.

So today I decided I wanted to watch a movie. And not just any movie, a movie I knew well, and where worse things happened than a global pandemic. What could fit that bill better than a sinking ship riddled with class divides in 1912? Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage, Titanic.

A brief background on my history with this film. I have seen this movie a lot in my lifetime, due in no small part to the fact that my Mum is borderline obsessed with the actual story of the Titanic, and thus presented the film to me and my sister pretty much as soon as we got it on video (yes video I am old thank you). It was probably the first ‘grown up’ film I’d ever seen (Sex! Death! Nudity! Oh my!) and thus was a pretty key moment in my young life. Leonardo DiCaprio left a long-lasting mark. It was a while before I realised that not all of the film is necessarily very good (my, do they layer on the foreshadowing), but whatever you think, the film is a pretty impressive feat. So, one rainy Saturday (today), I decided to make a little commentary when watching Titanic for probably the 40th time. The movie is not a short one, and so neither is the commentary, but it may provide a little fun on your own dreary weekends. So, without further ado, read on to watch me watch people drown on a ship whilst two people fall in love…

3 hours 15 minutes. When I watched this as a child I was genuinely proud I could sit through something that long.

Buckle up I guess.

"You're so full of shit boss". Yup. That guy is indeed annoying.

I know that like, diving down into the ocean and exploring a shipwreck is fundamentally interesting, but I gotta say it doesn't make a compelling movie opening.

Wait, the camera's called 'Snoop Dog'?

Love how the sad lady singing voice comes in when we see people's objects on the ship floor. Because we need reminding that this was sad.

Oop they've found a safe. Wonder what will and what won't be inside.

Lol at the guy popping champagne to then only drink from the bottle himself.

Well darn there ain't no diamond. But there IS a VERY grown up drawing of a lady wearing one.

She looks kinda.....like a French girl.

Damn Rose your modern day house is gorg.

How did she get Lovett's number, like, immediately?

Absolute move for Rose to bring that many cases to a ship in the middle of the ocean, presumably for only one or two days.

90S ANIMATED SHIP SINKING SIMULATION.

Why are they showing this to the lady who fucking experienced it?

"Pretty cool huh?"- read the room dude.

Will you share with us old lady?

"It's been 84 years...." yaaaas we about to get it.

Flashback. It's 1912 now. A lot more hats.

THAT ENTRANCE. THAT HAT. SERVING 1910S ARISTOCRATIC BRAT REALNESS. Yas Rose.

Welp. First mention of the ship being unsinkable. Sure they won't hammer that point home.

My god I love Rose's outfit.

JAAAAACK.

Lol I wonder what countries 'Fabrizio' and 'Sven' are from.

THE OTHER GUY IS CALLED OLAF HAHAHA.

"I go to Ameeerrrrica"....Jesus is he actually Mario?

I know it's fun to wave goodbye but ships don't move that fast, that must've gotten awkward after a few minutes.

When the guy says "Where's Sven' in (presumably) Swedish, even though it sounds exactly like English I was well smug about 'understanding’ it.

Having paintings by "something Picasso" in your room is a flex. An incredibly historically inaccurate flex, but a flex nonetheless.

Oop. Jack's about to shout something from the front of the ship. That he's definitely allowed at as a poor man.

I highly doubt Jack's hair is accurate to the period, or his class (I don't think caramel highlights were a big thing among the early twentieth century working class), but good god it's good hair.

"Size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength."

"Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you."

ROOOOSSSEEE YAAASS. HE WILL NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN.

Ah, Tommy. The Irish working-class cypher. I wonder if he'll be jovial yet hot-headed.

I'm allowed to say that I'm partly Irish.

OK, when Rose says she feels like she's standing at the edge of a great precipice, as a child watching this I didn't know that word. So I would replace it with platypus in my head. Then I would get confused about why she was so sad standing at the edge of a great platypus.

No Rose don't jump that dress is too pretty.

Get your priorities sorted.

How is Jack the only person who notices a woman full-on climbing over the railings of the ship?? Is there no health and safety?

What am I saying this is the story of the Titanic. Of fucking course not. Kind of the moral of the story.

Give me your hand?? No you fuckwit, hold her whole upper body. She might....

Slip.

Rose why have you waited until Jack is literally in handcuffs to tell the story that gets him off the hook?

Fucking rich people.

Billy Zane has great eyebrows.

"I know you've been melancholy"...so here's a fuck off diamond.

Why does no one do that for me

(diamonds always welcome).

Rose's outfit in this deck walking scene is fantastic (yellow silk) but there is a lady in the background at the beginning who appears to be wearing a full pheasant on her head. Step it up Rose.

Her hair is like my Mum's when she got married. Mum has great hair.

OK so Rose you tell Jack why you hate your life and wanted to commit suicide, he asks you if you love your fiance and THEN you're like "woaaah too personal"?

Oop. Rose sees some drawings of some French girls. Wonder if that will come to anything.

"Great thing about Paris, lots of girls willing to take their clothes off." Umm, sure.

Rose's Mum is an absolute bitch but her and her friends also have phenomenal hats. Strong hat movie.

Mr Ismay, stop pressuring Captain Birdseye to make the ship go faster.

"The ship must make headlines."

Oh, and it's Birdseye's last crossing before retirement.

Thank god everyone is acting responsibly.

"One leg on each side....can you show me?"

Rose I am stealing that line.

Wow rich people walk slowly. I wonder if there will be a scene to follow soon where much poorer people move a lot faster to represent their more active and vital lives.

Rose that dress is another banger. She has yet to put a foot wrong.

Apart from when she put her foot on her dress and slipped and nearly died.

"You find that sort of rootless existence appealing do you?" The woman playing Rose's Mum obviously had a lot of fun being that nasty.

"So you wanna go to a real party?..."

BOOM. IRELAND.

Drunken red-haired man falls down and breaks a table. We aren't all red-haired drunks you know.

Ugh. The dancing scene. Also love how much Cora clearly fucking hates Rose for stealing her man.

Tag yourself I'm the guy playing the spoons.

Jack with his shirt sleeves rolled up Irish dancing was the sexual awakening of so many girls born in the 90s. Me proudly included.

Down it fresher.

Ah look there's Tommy being hot-headed yet ultimately jovial.

OK so I think that the men are disproportionately impressed by Rose being able to stand on her toes. She doesn't even do it that long. They aren't that pissed.

Oop. It's the morning after, and Cal is a grumpy little bunny.

A controlling, misogynistic grumpy little bunny.

Who knocks over the WHOLE BREAKFAST TABLE. THAT TOOK TIME TO SET CAL.

Ah Trudy, the kindly Irish maid. Working-class women trump rich men every time.

The aesthetic of a corset being tied does something to me that I should probably examine.

Ah, the backstory that Rose's aristocratic family actually has no money and her Mum is marrying her off to save everything. #richpeoplehavedepthtoo

"Of course it's unfair. We're women." Mic drop.

Sing Captain Birdseye siiiiiing!

Another iconic hat from Rose's Mum.

Wow, how weird that the hymn is about being in peril on the sea.

Oh and there's an iceberg warning too.

Huh.

Rose has noticed that there are not enough lifeboats. DW though.

Unsinkable mention...3?

"It's not up to you to save me Jack". FORESHADOWING KLAXON.

Tbf most of the dialogue up to this point has warranted the foreshadowing klaxon.

Well, Jack and Rose are now at the bow (? I don't know boats, sue me) of the ship. And the film's theme music is playing. It's about to get hella Celine-y.

Aaaaand her hands are out. She's flying Jack!

They kiss at a very difficult angle. Kudos to Kate and Leo for making that work.

Brief cut back to the present day so the scientists can explain the impending doom.

"Monet!"

'You know him?'

Well yeah. Jeez Rose.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS SHE SAID THE THING.

Gorgeous art nouveau dressing robe Rose. Well it's on the floor now.

Rose setting up this nude drawing scene in the same room she shares with her dickturd of a fiance is, once again, a flex.

Is it just me or does the drawing Jack does look like Celine Dion? At least in the face, I don't know what her tits look like.

"Lovejoy, find her" + eyebrow arch = Peak villian.

"Oh wow look how flat this water is. How not iceberg-y. That's lucky."

Ah the car scene. This was probably the first kind-of sex scene I ever saw, and being that I was very young when I first saw it I didn't really get it. I couldn't understand why the car got so hot it got steamy, yet when they were cuddling Jack was trembling. I was like, why is the temperature fluctuating? That's all I cared about back then.

Also good God Jack is fit.

Oh no Cal found the 'French drawing'.

And now the lookouts are watching Jack and Rose get off.

BUT NOW THEY'RE NOT. COS THERE'S AN ICEBERG.

"PICK UP YOU BASTARDS"- me on any necessary phone call.

WILL THEY MOVE IN TIME TO AVOID HITTING THE ICEBERG?

I WONDER.

"WHY AIN'T THEY TURNIN?"- Quite.

OH MY GOD IT HIT THE ICEBERG I DID NOT EXPECT THAT THAT WOULD HAPPEN.

The boiler room is flooding. Run cockney men run!

It always stressed me out that they closed the fucking doors on the men in the boiler room. I get why but holy shit.

Captain Birdseye is not happy. He knows what's up.

Working-class people follow the rats, BUT WHO ARE THE REAL RATS #symbolism

Wow Rose's Mum's dressing gown is beautiful. Deep purple with vibrant pink flowers.

FFS Rose why would you believe Cal for a SECOND over Jack.

"But this ship can't sink?!"

"She's made of AHHRRRN sir, I assure you she can." Absolutely love the way he pronounces that word.

AAAHHHRRNN.

Telegram writing guy's reaction to realising the ship is going down: "Blimey." 100% accurate British response.

So we all know the band played until the end, but I've just noticed they have a pianist. What did he do, just peace out?

Must be glad he didn't pick the flute now.

Oh the band have come out and the pianist is there but obviously sans piano. It looks like he just wonders off.

Look, the working-class people are being held back from accessing life-saving resources.

Thank god we don't live like that anymore.

"Half of the people on this ship are going to die."

'Not the better half.'

READ THE DAMN ROOM CAL.

RUDE.

"To be a whore to a gutter rat?"

'I'd rather be his whore than your wife."

It wasn't until embarrassingly recently that I actually understood what they were saying here. Genuinely thought they were speaking German or something. Didn't really know the word 'whore' when I was like 7.

Jack's hair is actually getting hotter as it gets sweatier?

Also Rose's outfit, even now, is still pretty good. Very shipwreck chic.

Is that insensitive?

If you think it is you probably have a problem with most of this post.

No Rose don't take off a layer of clothing IT'S THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

Rose hitting wildly different points when she practises with the axe represents my hand-eye coordination pretty well.

It's the Welsh guy from 101 Dalmatians!

Or is it 101 Dalmatians 2. I forget.

Yes there is a film called 101 Dalmatians 2. As well as 102 Dalmatians.

I digress.

The working class are breaking through the gates!

Convenient bench! Perfect for all your gate breaking needs!

Guns. Great. They always improve situations.

The Murdoch character is seen here taking a bribe. He later kills himself, presumably from shame. The family of the real Murdoch were furious about this, I think they even took legal action.

Facts baby.

Good god the Dad telling his daughters it will be fine, not OK.

Fucking hell Leonardo DiCaprio's jawline.

Rose about to display her questionable jumping abilities once again.

OK Rose that was a bad call but tbf Leo's jawline though.

OMG Cal get over it the ship is LITERALLY SINKING do you think SHOOTING AT ROSE will change her mind?

Typical white man.

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING DOWNWARDS JACK I THOUGHT YOU HAD STREET SMARTS?

Oh no the scene with the little boy and his Dad who finds him and takes him away because he doesn't understand English and they go the wrong way.

Parts of this movie are not fun.

Jack is even hot when he's literally underwater. Luckily he won't remain that way for long. Right?

So is Rose too tbf.

Tommy and Fabrizio! Our working-class immigrant cyphers! Nothing ill can befall them!

"WILL YA GIVE US A CHANCE TO LIVE YA LIMEY BASTARDS?" Oh Tommy.

THEY SHOT TOMMY! AND THEN MURDOCH SHOT HIMSELF!

Honestly probably the best death you could hope for in this situation.

Ah Mr Andrews. Being all sad. In fairness this is kind of definitely your fault. Not just yours but like, soz.

It's OK you'll be reincarnated as a slimy bastard in Legally Blonde.

Ah, Captain Birdseye is all sad too. Again a lot of this could be pinned on you mate so like...yeah.

Aww the band saying goodbye but then coming back and playing the sad song.

Yup, I'm crying.

Fucking violins. Would be much less sad if this was a kazoo band.

THE IRISH LADY TELLING HER KIDS THE FOLK STORY TO CALM THEM BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE FUCK ME.

Why did I think I wouldn't cry. I cry at Mulan.

Fabrizio!! Doing his best to help!

Even the rich guy with the brandy is sad.

How the hell did the musicians maintain any composure?

CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE!

Boat is fully tilting now. Shit is very much literally going down.

Oh none of it is funny now.

Fuck the sea.

Noooooo, the funnel.

FABRIZIO.

A GUY GENUINELY JUST SAID 'NOBODY PANIC.' AGAIN MY LOVE, READ THE ROOM.

The effects in this movie are legit.

Because, I believe, they virtually did sink an actual ship to film this. James Cameron is extra.

Props to that priest for keeping going.

I really don't like it when the people start falling down the ship.

MISS TRUDY!

The guy who hits the propellor when he falls- nope.

Shout out to the guy swigging from his hip flask as he clings to the ship.

Oh no now the power's off. Absolutely the biggest inconvenience here.

Now the ship is tipping up for its famous final sink. Physics point here: Jack is all 'we need to swim hard to counteract the suction'....the suction of a ship that big sinking cannot be outswum my boy. I am no scientist but that seems fairly obvious.

Absolutely fuck that guy using Rose as a flotation device.

"I need you to swim Rose." Well yeah Jack she wasn't about to start mixing drinks.

Ah the infamous, two-people sized door.

OK in fairness they make it pretty clear it can't hold the weight of two people, everyone calm down.

Molly Brown trying to be a good person. Such a shame she went mad and tried to kill James Caan.

Aw the Welsh guy has a heart. He's coming back.

How is Jack STILL attractive rn? The power of the hair and jawline combo.

Rose saying "I'm so cold" to a man submerged in the North Atlantic....smidge oblivious.

Sad lady is singing. Jack is dead.

Rose weakly saying 'come back' has somehow become a jokey line I use when someone leaves and I need something from them. If you ever hear me whispering it, this is why.

"I'll never let go".....*lets go*.

"But I thought that old lady threw it in the ocean at the end of movie?"

You're damn right she did Britney.

Also I'm sorry but there is NO WAY that thing stayed in her pocket when she was in the DAMN OCEAN.

Again, it took an embarassingly long time for me to figure out that the end of the movie is her dying and going to heaven and not just having an oddly specific dream.

I'm extremely perceptive.

Aww Tommy and Fabrizio are in heaven too! I like that for them.

Movie finishes, cue Celine.

(which should of course be the direction for the end of every movie).