Sarah Knows Nothing About Movies- The Lost World: Jurassic Park Comment-along

So I obviously immensely enjoyed watching the first Jurassic Park and effectively talking to myself about it, so I decided to do it again for the second movie. I think, from re-reading, I also had alcohol for this one. The movie is not a patch on the first, but hey, let’s get it nonetheless:

· JURASSIC PARK 2 MOTHER LOVERS

· OK I HAVE seen this film before when it originally came out but all I remember is a bunch of tiny dinosaurs killing a little girl and some dinos getting onto the mainland at some point. Let's get it.

· Also this movie is actually called 'The Lost World: Jurassic Park' but FUCK COLONS IT'S JURASSIC PARK 2.

· Ominous opening shot of the sea. Fuck.

· Actor I recognise as 'generic shifty guy from other films'!

· Oh no there's a little girl who's wondering off...

· "There aren't any snakes on the beach dear" BUT YOU KNOW YOU'RE 87 MILES AWAY FROM DINOTOWN RIGHT? RIGHT?

· Stop using capitals.

· Oh no the little girl just met a tiny dinosaur.

· Aaaand she's feeding it. With a terrible British accent.

· And there's 20 of them now.

· OK she screamed like 5 times before people were like 'let's check that out'... She's a child??

· JUMP CUT TO JEFF GOLDBLUM.

· The douchy kids from the first movie! Yay?

· Only three people died in the first movie? Really?

· Felt a lot more toothy than that.

· "Thank God for site B"...Oh FFS mate come on.

· 'And on site B we just let everything go on the island to do it wanted lol' Brilliant. Responsible. Perfect.

· "Don't worry, I'm not making the same mistakes again"

-"no, you're making all new ones"

Yup. Have a feeling you just summed this film up.

· Oh apparently the little girl was only injured by the dinosaurs. That's OK then.

· Is Jeff Goldblum tall or is Richard Attenborough short?

· Lol the paleontologist Ricky sent out there is Jeff"s gf. Who'da thunk?

· OMG Vince Vaughn is in this movie.

· "Where you're going is the only place in the world where the geese chase you"- someone is overly proud of writing that line.

· And now Jeff has a kid....I do NOT remember this film.

· Is she about to stow away on this mission to Dinoland?? Seriously dw bout it hun.

· Where is Laura Dern I want Laura Dern.

· God I love film characters blatantly ignoring obvious signs that things are a bad idea.

· Lol they're all suddenly shouting for Sarah Harding: I guess this film was made in the pre-Girls Aloud era?

· If such a thing exists.

· OMG Sarah Harding is Julianne Moore! Is Julianne Moore in Girls Aloud?

· I'm gonna call it now- Vince Vaughn will not survive this film.

· "They're just protecting their baby!"

-'so am I!'

Eww. Terrible line.

· Also I feel like the CGI team of the first film did not all sign up again for this one.

· Yup Jeff's kid stowed away and is now here. Will definitely not end up with a situation with her in peril and Jeff saving her to prove his worth as a father.

· "Hey what's that sound?" Yesss please interrupt this boring argument with dinos.

· Oh it's helicopters. Less exciting.

· OH MY GOD PETE POSLETHWAITE HE WAS SO GREAT. I miss him.

· Ooh nasty poachery people who don't care about treating the dinos with respect. Have they learnt nothing from film 1.

· What are the nasty men doing to the pointy headed dino??

· Oh no pointy headed dino fell down!

· Is it dead? (I sound like a five year old).

· Shit I think it is.

· RIP.

· Oop T Regina prints. Couldn't possibly pose any risk to anyone.

· There's a dino tied up and crying! Why dey do dat?

· OK so the poachers are actually sent by the board that runs Ricky A's company because they want to bring dinos back to the mainland so Ricky sent Jeff + to stop that. Okie doke.

· AND THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT THE COMPANY WAS WORRIED PEOPLE WOULDN'T PAY TO COME TO SUCH A REMOTE PLACE? God now I see that consumerist capitalism has negative sides.

· Woops a Triceratops got out. And then things started exploding.

· Yes Vince Vaughn help the tied up dino! I like you now!

· Aww its leg is broken.

· "we're not alone on this island".......

If you hadn't worked that out by now mate I think you're beyond help.

· "Other animals are going to hear this"

Once again the young girl in this film speaks the truth.

· Oh fuck Regina's comin'!

· Ahh fuck another vehicle hanging off a cliff due to T-Regina. No one could have predicted this!

· And now Julianne from Girls Aloud is balancing on a pane of glass that's slowly cracking!!

· THE DRAMA.

· I mean they DID say hold on to something. This was probably why.

· Lol the vehicle has a screen showing the vehicle status in red flashing lights. No shit son it's literally hanging off a cliff.

· OK so this scene is actually legit tense.

· Still miss Laura Dern though.

· And of course the T-Reginas have come to help.

· Ah fuck they literally just ripped apart the guy who was trying to help.

· But nasty poacher people have come to save them?? I thought they were evil?

· 'So the only way to get off this island is to get to this comms centre where we can always send a signal.'

Cool, sounds like it'll work!

Yeah and it's in the middle of the island where we're fairly confident all the raptors live.'

Ah OK sure thi- wait what.

· Oh no, unnamed character we've never met before is in the jungle wearing FUCKING HEADPHONES. SWELL IDEA.

· How does he even have headphones with him during a job like this?

· Tiny dino attack part 2!!

Dw he's still alive.

· So headphones guy was supposed to be looking out for dino attack part 2 guy, but due to his insatiable love of whatever he was listening to he didn't hear this guy's screams for help and just walked off. Smart man.

· Ah I think the tiny dinos got that guy.

· The water is rippling we must all know what that means by now.

· Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee Regina!!

· And she's fucking shit uuuup.

· Literally just stomped a guy to death. Werk.

· Wow and then a guy dies with a shower of blood. These movies are intense.

· *To the tune of 'Spider in the Bath* Raptors in the grass. Raptors in the grass. Watch where the fuck you're going Raptors in the Grass.

· Vince Vaughn just broke off from the main group. Think my death prediction may be accurate.

· Ooh here's the shitty lawyer guy looking scared. We know how dinos feel about lawyers.

· Hiding from Raptors inside?? I thought the whole first film established they could open doors?

· OK like I don't want these characters to die but it is a major plot point that doors are all that's stopping them here and in the first film the fact that they'd figured doors out was a huge deal. Logically everyone should be dead now.

· LOOOOOOL THE AFOREMENTIONED GYMNASTICS TRAINING THE GIRL HAD WAS USED TO KICK A RAPTOR IN THE FACE. AMAZING.

· OK so Julianne from Girls Aloud is currently hanging on to a tiled roof for dear life, with a raptor below, and throwing roof tiles that are super loose at said raptor to get it to fuck off. But she is also holding on to roof tiles that are fixed enough to hold her own body weight. So one row of tiles is so loose she can pick them up and fling 'em, and the other so stable she can hang on for dear life.

Well that's uneven tiling at least.

· THEY'VE SEDATED A T REGINA AND ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE HER TO CALIFORNIA? You know what, fine. You do you.

· And now shitty lawyer guy is calling a press conference in San Diego about said dino, with said dino about to make an appearance.

· Imma call it I don't think this a good idea.

· Ship crash! UNEXPECTED! (though not really).

· Ah mate don't go and fucking look as to why ffs.

· Seriously why is ANYONE on the ship that's just crashed and is known to have a massive dinosaur on it??

· Well now the T Regina's on the mainland. Bloody well done.

· And now she's walking around the suburbs. I was legitimately terrified that this would happen when I was a child. I had a 'T-Rex contingency plan' in my head and everything. I was convinced.

· Oh no it's going to eat that dog isn't it.

· Yeah it ate that dog.

· I forgot how much I love people screaming and running away from scary things en masse.

· Welp shitty lawyer guy is getting eaten, by mummy and baby! #bonding.

· Wait did Julianne just kill mama T after all that? Or just sedate her? What about the baba?

· So Vince Vaughn didn't die. Bugger me.

· So the message of this film is: stop interfering with these incredibly dangerous animals we made and leave them be. That will make things OK.

..... Didn't we learn that about half an hour into the first film?

· Ah well, I liked the bit with the glass.